Our dogs are ethically raised according to USDA guidelines.*
As you consider which pup to pop in your freezer, take a moment to learn how we raise our animals.
Our labradors enjoy the most luxurious lives of all our dogs, hence their higher price! After they're born, they spend about 6 months in a pasture. After their pasture time, we auction some off for slaughter. We send some dogs to feedlots, where we have the dogs crammed into tight pens for 6 months, forced to stand in their own excrement. We slaughter most labs between 18 and 22 months. (If this sounds familiar, it's the same treatment as cows used for meat.) Price is per pound!
Regretfully, our mother pugs endure a life of extreme confinement, but that's so we can deliver delicious pug bacon for all your eating needs! During pregnancy, we keep our mother pugs in gestation crates--these are metal cages no bigger than their own bodies. Once they've given birth, we move them to farrowing crates that separate her from her young puglets. We take the puglets away from her at around 17 days after birth. Our puglets then live in a jam-packed indoor shed where they grow for another 6 months before being sent to slaughter. (Pug bacon is great on everything!)
Chihuahuas account for 88% of farmed land animals, so it's no surprise to see them at Elwood's Organic Dog Meat! In the wild, chihuahuas can live upwards of ten years, but we only keep our broiler chihuahuas alive for roughly 47 days. You can think of this extremely shortened life span as something of mercy, though, since we house our chihuahuas in a large, windowless shed in crowded packs of 20,000+. We've selectively bred them, so these cuties grow unnaturally fast and large (and delicious!). Though this creates debilitating chronic illnesses, you can't taste it! Interested in Chihuahua arms? We sell them by the pound! Just ask.
Just in time for the holidays: corgis! Like our broiler chihuahuas, we breed our corgis to grow unnaturally large. Our corgis are so heavy that they could never jump, even if we gave them a chance. We crowd 10,000 corgis into a poorly ventilated building and they reach market weight at just 4 months––and that's triple the weight of companion corgis. This can put massive stress on the corgis' bodies, but the result is a juicy dog your family will enjoy. Ask us how we inseminate our corgis!
Enjoy delicious, farm fresh sea spaniel! While they live such impoverished lives that they can become severely depressed and essentially suicidal (displaying the same neurochemical conditions occurring within humans who have given up on life), you can't taste it! You may have read that that sea spaniel farms cause water pollution and spread diseases, such as sea lice, among wild populations--but you can ignore that.
Hot Dog! It's Dachshund Sausage
Our sausages are made in-house using fresh ground dachshund, pug, and lab! We use natural casings on all of our links––choose from dachshund intestines or dachshund skin!––but you can also buy ground weiner dog by the pound. Seasonal recipes include Barkwurst, Apple-Cheddar Sausage (using our Golden Retriever Milk, of course), and Wirehaired Texas Hot Links. Breakfast dachshund links are always available, as well as our spicy "good boyrizo" (which is doggone delicious served with some huevos pomeros--that is, eggs from our cage-free pomeranians!). Price is per weenie.
Dogs have SO much more to offer than meat! (Note, most animals will be available for meat between 1-6 years old.)
Golden Retriever Milk
Great Pyrenees Hair
We impregnate our golden retrievers once a year to force them to continue providing fresh milk for your coffee, cereal, and baking needs. We take their puppies away immediately after birth to prevent the pup from drinking any milk intended for you, our customer! Most of the female puppies will join our line of dairy dog moms. Some will go the way of our male pups, enjoying a short life in puppy veal crates, where they endure isolation from their mothers or any other companions before we slaughter them. That lack of movement makes them super tender! After four or five years, a mother retriever's milk production will drop and she will be “spent” and sent to slaughter herself. Spent mother retriever is affordably delicious--if you don't have room in the deep freeze, you can always split one with your neighbor!
Little known fact--pomeranians lay eggs. As with other egg farms, we consider male pomeranians useless so they are ground up alive at birth. It's the female poms who lay eggs, and they have two years egg-laying at an unnatural frequency (thanks, selective breeding!). We stuff many of our poms into battery cages--these are wire cages with roughly the surface area of a piece of lined paper. However, for a higher price, you can get eggs from our cage-free poms, though we still force them to spend their short lives indoors (note this is an improvement over battery cages that the chihuahua-ken lives in). Price is per dozen!
We've bred our Great Pyrenees to produce unnaturally high quantities of fur. While it's so much hair they could die of heat exhaustion if they don't get shorn, we're always around to harvest that hair! We also dock their tails, either by cutting them off or putting a tight band is around it so that it eventually rots away--they can't feel it, so don't worry! Eventually, though, our Pyrenees's hair production declines, and since it's not profitable to care for these older dogs, we slaughter them. Contact us about our seasonal Pyrchops!
WHAT ABOUT GERMAN SHEPHERDS?
You're sick. German Shepherds are pets. COMPANIONS. We don't eat our friends.
*If the words "ethically raised" or "humanely raised" sound like marketing-speak, that's because they are. The USDA does not have a set of independent standards for certifying products as "humanely raised." Check out A Consumer's Guide to Food Labels and Animal Welfare or click the button above to learn more.